Though in bed and not watching, i've been accused so far of singing for Lithuania, Romania and Greece. Am I some sort of universal Everywog?

Jews, food: http://t.co/G3C706dgZw

And if you WON'T GIVE A BEAN TO THE ARSE-DEVIL MURDOCH then get a free ticket to see me on Heresy on R4 on May 24: http://t.co/L9MtL5RgmK

Maybe I ripped Michael Pollan slightly too much new bumhole. He was probably doing his best. Feel a bit guilty now: http://t.co/oBS0PvZXqF …

@Baddiel only in the sense that "Ceci n'est pas un pile of bollocks".

That grubby little tache makes Ian Bell look like Oswald Mosley.

I'm doing Heresy on R4 at 8pm May 24. Tickets free at http://t.co/g1xXHXqAnG Come and watch, maybe have sex with me after. It is the BBC.

This promo film for @jayrayner1's new book is very jolly http://t.co/JXKldM4FKp. I'm not saying buy his book. If you want a book, buy mine.

The only thing to do when the weather is like this is put the heating and all the lights on, make tea and start looking forward to Christmas

@jayrayner1 yeah man. Free news only! That's what's going to feed our families!

@jayrayner1 But if you're weeding out anything with me in it, how do you keep up with the work of your GIRLFRIEND, @caitlinmoran ?

@jayrayner1 though I grant your 'lets not be mean about Australia' version is a more PC and Guardian friendly version.

@jayrayner1 what is it then a joke about though, yoghurt?

@jayrayner1 It's the *difference* between yoghurt and Australia: leave a yoghurt alone for 250 years and it will develop a culture...

@wossy brilliant. I'll get your number off my sis or Baddiel and text you. I'll come probably next week. Can't wait.

@wossy love to. Am on paternity leave for a while and the inlaws are in North Square so I'll be up there a bit probably. Can I drop by?

I thought it would be a bit wrong to tweet a photo of Sam Coren before he is yet 8 hours old, so here is my lunch. http://t.co/9pt5BOcksv

@sueperkins oh good. Was looking at his little face while paying £28 for a mango only yesterday morning.

@sueperkins is that the 13 year old terrier on ads on swain's lane?

I'm on Praed St. Nearest good Shwarma?

@jayrayner1 @theamandaball no, I'm cool. I prefer to sit on the touchline and blow raspberries. Thanks though.

@jayrayner1 you're in the top four from what I see on telly. Right up there with Joe Qarwick and Billy Shitwell.

@jayrayner1 very good idea this morning. Wish I'd thought of it. In your face, McNally...

Allow me to tell you all about the Best Restaurant In The World, even though I have never been there: http://t.co/HOSFWLErrV�

Just spent the morning building a flatpack doll's house for Kitty. Bit seedy how they put the screws in those little cocaine pouches.